Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce 

Anger is a chameleon. This time quiet, dark and stealthy – slowly growing in strength. Next time bright, hot and explosive. Alternately, anger can be sharp, pointed and painful. Or, it can be elusive, slippery and difficult to pin down.

Anger isn’t wrong. It’s a powerful indicator that something important to us is being threatened – perhaps our own safety, our reputation, our comfort, someone or something we care about, etc.

How we choose to respond in anger is what determines whether we can effectively and constructively enter difficult situations.

Anger is a part of the leadership environment. We’re passionate about what we do. Situations that frustrate our goals, or threaten something we’ve built, may elicit our anger. Other people bring their anger to us asking us to fix it. Some just dump their anger on us – leaving us feeling awful, while they feel better. Or we’re the target of their anger – justified or not.

There are many ways to lose in a moment of anger.  There are very few ways to win. Some of us use anger as a tool of intimidation – but that’s a tool that always comes with a price.

Some of us are very ‘nice’ people and we’ve learned to stuff and deny the existence of our anger. But it leaks. We become toxic or lash out or find ourselves running away from difficult conversations. Getting a handle on anger, and it’s more permanent sibling resentment, is a core leadership skill.

There are two sides to dealing with anger. One is addressing the underlying root issues beneath the surface. In this article, however, I want to specifically address how to relate to anger in real time.

William Ury co-wrote the classic book “Getting to Yes” with Roger Fisher. He was also the co-founder of the Program of Negotiation at Harvard University. He played a significant role in shaping the modern field of conflict resolution. In his previous book “Getting Past No”, Ury identifies the following three principles:

1.       Know what triggers you.

Understanding the people, events and issues that fuel or trigger your anger is important; because it allows you to prepare for the situation if it can’t be avoided. Cultivating self-awareness, recognizing where you are emotionally, is a critical skill for improving your ability to correct your course.

2.       Give yourself time.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.” Anger releases adrenalin and other hormones into our system. Our brain is triggered to ‘fight or flight.’ Blood flow actually changes directions within our brain. It’s not just psychological; we physically shift to a position of readiness to react. Our ability to think critically and control our responses or reactions is, in fact, physically inhibited.

Taking a short break allows your body to process the adrenaline and your mind to process the stress. Here are tools you can use to give yourself a break:

Pause and say nothing.

I’m not talking about the silent treatment. Sometimes just letting the person talk, without interrupting with your perspective, allows their energy to dissipate; as well as giving you an opportunity to think about a more appropriate response.

Here is a speedy way to process anger: Stop, take deep breaths, and notice where the emotion seems to exist in your body. Your back may be tight, your head may hurt, your stomach may feel sick. Allow yourself time to notice and fully feel the emotion physically while continuing to breathe. As you breathe in, gather the emotions together. As you breathe out, let them go. Many people notice a significant emotional shift within 20-30 seconds. If you pray, releasing the emotion to God will also help.

Repeat or paraphrase (without sarcasm or editorial) what you heard the other person say. This can be a powerful tool for ensuring that true communication is happening. It gives you time to process without reactively speaking out. Also, the other individual’s anger may also subside as they realize they are being listened to.

Take a time-out.

Sometimes you just need to ask for a break. (Don’t slam the door!) You might use an excuse, such as needing a glass of water. Or you may just say you need a few minutes, alone, to think about what is being said. If you do need a break, let the other person know when you intend to come back to the conversation.

 3.       Don’t make decisions in the moment.

If a decision or response is needed, wait until the heat of the emotion has dissipated. This is a good time to take a break and tell the other person that you’ll get back to them with your answer at another time.

This takes practice. The tools are simple, but it can be difficult to engage them when we’re feeling angry. However, even if we use these tools ‘after the moment’ we still begin to build greater self-awareness. Our ability to notice and ‘catch’ the emotion earlier in the process will grow. Before long, we are able to shift directions in the heat of the moment.

Now, if anger is regularly experienced and a common emotion for you, I encourage you to do deeper work to understand where that anger is coming from. Dealing with a recurring emotion each time it comes up is like plucking the leaves off of weeds. You’ll be fighting it forever. You need to get to the root.

A leader’s anger, because of their personal influence, is magnified in the experience of others. It ultimately has the impact of offending, shaming or alienating others and costing us relationships. Since leadership is a relationship business, managing anger matters a lot.

Fortunately, change and growth are very possible. The steps above can help you begin and succeed as you become a stronger, more emotionally intelligent, leader.